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I’m proud of myself

I think more than I ever have been.

I mean, my whole life has been a rollercoaster, but the last few years were very trying for me.

The way I went from rock bottom, being hurt, trying to hurt myself, literally zero control of my emotions, having to move…the list of the shit show I call 2020, could go on and on…

I am now doing things and getting recognition for things I never thought I would even be capable of. For a lot of people it wouldn’t mean that much, I’m assuming…but knowing how many times I could have given up, like I had already done so many times in my past. The second shit gets too hard for me to manage.

There is no quit in me anymore. I think the mental torment I endured almost thickened my skin. I have nothing to lose, If I believe in myself I can achieve even more than what I have which is scary but exiting.

Being acknowledged for hard work, especially when you question your own capabilities more than anyone else around you…feels fucking awesome.

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Don’t wait until I can’t hear you

Although my meeting with my manager yesterday was like a long overdo therapy session that consisted of me carrying a mini moleskin full of my thoughts and concerns. (I also had the journal because I was afraid of the full moon and how it was going to effect the whole shindig)

I think I went a little too hard. Maybe.

But don’t run your mouth about me when I walk away then smile and play nice to my face. ..with me..your best bet is to say it to my face and lets sort it out..

I feel like yeah, some (most) people say that …and actually are too sensitive to hear it directly. I try to make it clear thats not me. I’m sorry if you didn’t catch the obnoxious hint, that is my presence, by now.

So when I hear someone is being fake to me, i’m not a total fan of it. It doesn’t necessarily make me feel bad about myself, it just makes me annoyed..and thats basically it.

Theres only so much shade and shit talk you can toss around before it gets back to that person, when that happens. You can’t expect the person who was being nice to your face and behind your back to HAVE your back.

no.nope.nothanks.

that ship has since sailed.

killing three birds with one moleskin mofo’s

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I don’t want to be vaccinated

Usually it would be because I hate needles.

But I just don’t want something injected into me without seeing reactions or side effects that could happen.

I’ve been medicated more than half my life. Side effects don’t always happen the second the medication is in your body, having its way with you.

I just don’t understand why everyone acts like its voting. Like post it all over social media and tell everyone you know that “you’re vaccinated”

(and yes, at work…I still need to take your temp. even after you announce your vaccination)

Listen, when I can take this fucking mask off, and dodge temp checks. Sure, then shoot me up with that shit I guess..but until then. No. Chill.

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It will set you free

That’s one thing I’m actually good at. I’m not good at many things.

I’m a music junkie. I have been my entire life.

It sounds so cliché and annoying. It pisses me off even to say it, but music did save my life and continues to everyday, probably.

I’ll always remember myself in middle school. Those were terrible years of my life…it kinda set my youth up for failure. Derp.

I didn’t really trust many people at that point in my life. Probably two. My best friend at the time, and my ex-boyfriend.

I started to form insomnia and really bad anxiety, and I would stay up really late at night on my computer. I would sit on the computer for hours and hours exploring random music and finding new stuff to fulfill me.

I would make old-school mix CDs

(I kinda feel bad for the kids these days who can’t experience that)

All the music my friends, siblings/cousins listened to, was introduced by me. I don’t know why people make that sound like a snobby thing though….It’s one of the only things I’m good at, can’t we just like consider it a sport?

The real point is though, it spoke to me. Always has. In ways humans couldn’t at that point especially. When I need it it’s always there. It

made me feel… understood. It was like a friend.

(it does run in my genetics. But the way I love music is unexplainable. I couldn’t get to the point of it. I’ve been a walking jukebox my whole life)

Everyone listen to music. It makes the world go round. And maybe it could save your life if you give it a chance

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Talking shit vs. Venting

I explained the difference to my co-worker tonight.

Because we do talk a lot about each other at my job if we get annoyed. We’re all gonna get on each others nerves, so for me to sit here and be like well I like *you, you and you* so I’ll never speak about you behind your back would be bullshit. I always emphasize how I really adore the person, but this thing they are doing is getting to me.

Talking shit would be more like “what a goddamn lazy twinkle twat, who smells like rotting milk all the time”

(Idk, winged that one fast. judge away)

Getting a lil irked with someone you like and enjoy being around is a thing. We’re only human.

BUT. Talking shit IS, going around telling my co workers that I’m not capable of doing the job I was hired for….simply because you went on the same interview and didn’t get it. Blame it on the other chick who got hired and never came back after covid. Smh.

If I am always nice to you, don’t be running your mouth. Because now I’m not letting you come up front and put on your lame, “trendy” hipster, indie rock music. And I will pretend I don’t know how to check you in or take your temp. when you walk in the building. Everyone’s on an ego trip since my two supervisors left. I love Meg, who’s the new one (she’s the one I was venting to) but these other little twerps are starting to get on my nerves.

Cause sweetie, I’m not venting about you anymore. I’m talking shit.

stay. in. your. lane

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It’s pretty wild

How fast I go from caring WAYY too much.. to honestly not really caring at all.

I’ve always weirdly been that way. It’s how I used to trick psychiatrists and therapists I was a changed kid.

*See guys, look how long it took me to realize I have to act like a saint for just a month after acting like a little lunatic for 8 months*

But now I’m realizing it’s always kinda pertained to a lot of other random situations in my life. The way my personality is I suppose.

I’m all in. until I’m all out.

There’s no middle with me. The middle is confusing. Usually messy also. I don’t care for it.