I closed at work tonight. which was highly annoying to be honest. Yet mentally manageable at least.
Meanwhile the dude who was supposed to close with me, left with like 40 people still in the building…so left me with a broken mic, stuck at the front desk unable to leave and tell people we are closed. In a fucking massive gym. This isn’t Boston Sports Club bud. Get the next bus…
It was lame.
I have to open now though too.
So I took an adderall to keep me going.
(I’ve always had a soft spot for them)
In Arlington. It was a hike through that fucker
and it’s annoying. but I can’t force myself to feel something..I just don’t?
I think before I kinda used this whole thing wrong. Because I live alone, mostly because I only can stand like a total of 5 people for more than 10 hours or so. I never lived alone before this. I went from an ex’s apartment, to having lunatic roommates, moving in with another boyfriend, getting a place with him. now. I is alone.
I don’t mind it. I have my bunny. I have enough friends (and a man friend kinda thing?) I have an imagination and am easily entertained.
Even during my youth. I grew up in and out of psych wards, programs, a residential school. My ex suggested I move in with roommates. Honestly, it may be best for him…but truly. It’s been my whole life. I used to hide in the bathroom. I still do. Even at my place. When I get stressed, or someones making me overwhelmed and I need some space. I sit in the bathroom like a damn weirdo.
BUT I wouldn’t have that habit, if most of my life it wasn’t the ONE place that I could be totally alone.
I will always remember the night I was in the shower and my roommate got restrained outside the bathroom door and I managed to salvage an extra 30/45 minutes in the bathroom cause she was deff a feisty lil one.
My original point is, this is an outlet. I can actually use it to exercise my mind. Instead of trying to get through a Jeffrey Dahmer Documentary. I can never seem to handle him. I love crime documentaries, and I was on a roll. I give it a go every once and while. Yeah, no though.
I was afraid to call him back, when I talk to him it usually makes me very sad. It’s bad for my mental health. For once though, I didn’t feel that way. I felt a bit sad of course, but only for the situation we were in together. Not about having feelings for him. I think I will always, in some form care for him. I’ll never feel the same as before though, I don’t even think I have for a long time. I don’t know how you can truly love someone who seems to just enjoy hurting you in every way.
I hung up on him after about 3 minutes because…I just don’t need to constantly remind someone I exist for them to call me. Especially someone, who was the most important person to him as of 6 months ago. His emergency contact, his biggest fan, the person that stuck with him everyday wanting to rip my fucking hair out. Thats what I do for love, and getting hurt is always how that seems to end. Nothing like that relationship was though.
He was, and is a selfish narcissist. The things he did, are unforgivable. He’s toxic, on drugs…and sober. Just as much of a liar, and as manipulative as before he went to “get help”
I wish him the best, but I’ll always remember what I went through. He never fixed it like he promised me he would. Every promise he ever made for over 2 1/2 years was broken. He will never know true love, because he’s never seen it and he’s never lived it& I was not the one to say that first.