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I’m proud of myself

I think more than I ever have been.

I mean, my whole life has been a rollercoaster, but the last few years were very trying for me.

The way I went from rock bottom, being hurt, trying to hurt myself, literally zero control of my emotions, having to move…the list of the shit show I call 2020, could go on and on…

I am now doing things and getting recognition for things I never thought I would even be capable of. For a lot of people it wouldn’t mean that much, I’m assuming…but knowing how many times I could have given up, like I had already done so many times in my past. The second shit gets too hard for me to manage.

There is no quit in me anymore. I think the mental torment I endured almost thickened my skin. I have nothing to lose, If I believe in myself I can achieve even more than what I have which is scary but exiting.

Being acknowledged for hard work, especially when you question your own capabilities more than anyone else around you…feels fucking awesome.

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Don’t wait until I can’t hear you

Although my meeting with my manager yesterday was like a long overdo therapy session that consisted of me carrying a mini moleskin full of my thoughts and concerns. (I also had the journal because I was afraid of the full moon and how it was going to effect the whole shindig)

I think I went a little too hard. Maybe.

But don’t run your mouth about me when I walk away then smile and play nice to my face. ..with me..your best bet is to say it to my face and lets sort it out..

I feel like yeah, some (most) people say that …and actually are too sensitive to hear it directly. I try to make it clear thats not me. I’m sorry if you didn’t catch the obnoxious hint, that is my presence, by now.

So when I hear someone is being fake to me, i’m not a total fan of it. It doesn’t necessarily make me feel bad about myself, it just makes me annoyed..and thats basically it.

Theres only so much shade and shit talk you can toss around before it gets back to that person, when that happens. You can’t expect the person who was being nice to your face and behind your back to HAVE your back.

no.nope.nothanks.

that ship has since sailed.

killing three birds with one moleskin mofo’s

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I don’t want to be vaccinated

Usually it would be because I hate needles.

But I just don’t want something injected into me without seeing reactions or side effects that could happen.

I’ve been medicated more than half my life. Side effects don’t always happen the second the medication is in your body, having its way with you.

I just don’t understand why everyone acts like its voting. Like post it all over social media and tell everyone you know that “you’re vaccinated”

(and yes, at work…I still need to take your temp. even after you announce your vaccination)

Listen, when I can take this fucking mask off, and dodge temp checks. Sure, then shoot me up with that shit I guess..but until then. No. Chill.

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I guess my life kind of revolves around work at this point.

I truly don’t mind it though. I really like to work. I always have.

I’m like my mother, she would never want to be a stay at home mom. And I don’t think I ever would either. Although I used to think it seemed nice, I’ve seen many. My mom always worked full-time. Her sisters worked part time jobs. I think it’s good to have at least something to do besides making your family and your home life everything. Then you have no other life outside that. I grew up in a really rich town, I’ve dated guys who had money and stay at home moms. What do you think dad’s out doing?

I’m not trying to be harsh, but it’s a reality I’ve seen so many times. Having a family and children will fulfill me in a lot of ways. I deep down know, I would need an outside activity or obligation, ways to socialize and continue to live a normal life.

Stay at home moms have way too much time on their hands. Those are the Karen’s of the world, and they are the ones that will talk shit about middle schoolers with their daughters.

No…Not try to give them advice, maybe call them homely?

I’ve seen some pretty insane stuff.

The only time my mom ever got involved with teenage girls was when my best friend was jumped freshman year of high school. We had to carry her to my moms car.

My mom knew the girls that were around there, for once I didn’t care that she was going to do something that could be embarrassing. She went out there, asked them if their mothers knew that they were out here acting like animals?

It was a bad bitch move. Moral of the story. I’m turning into my mother. I don’t mind it either

We won’t tolerate bullshit, we will tell you the truth. But we also we will love you more than anyone you know, we will take care of you, we can have empathy for anyone.

My mother is my favorite person.

She is everything I want to be. And it makes me feel really good to know that that’s how I think now.

I’m so thankful that I had her. I’m going to make sure she knows that. I remember a time I wanted to be nothing like her. I was a delusional, know it all, angry young kid.

Tragically shitty quality picture. Oh well though

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“𝘚𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘥𝘢𝘺, 𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘢 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘣𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘧𝘭𝘺, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳”

All my OG supervisors at work got new jobs… and I’m used to hanging up front with the new supervisor, one of the only girls that works with me. We would talk about girl things a lot and reality TV. It was fun to have a girl to talk to and shoot the shit with, she used to love it also.

Now that she is a supervisor, she’s on some extreme power trip. Like looking over my shoulder showing me stuff that I already know. Blaming me for things that she told me I should do the night before. Denying that she ever said that. Sending slacks that make no sense, weekly beta that makes no sense.

Both of my old supervisors were totally different. There was one that everyone hated because he was so intense and uptight. Most guys, just say he was a douche bag. (quote from tonight) He was only nice to girls. So not bad with me..yet he was so intense either way that he still made me anxious.

My other supervisor, Brian, who hired me… was the sweetest dude. He used to go through things with me so gently, informatively, clearly, acknowledged my questions and things I said very nicely. It was never aggressive, or condescending.. it always felt very helpful. Very patient with me, definitely understanding, quiet most of the time. I just miss him a lot already.

None of this shit this girl is doing is clear. I tried to tell her that nicely. She’s determined that it is very clear though. (I know more than just me who would agree with that)

She’s actually committed to thinking it is. I was so fed up with her I finally got a little bit rude. I wish I never opened up to her because now it’s like she knows too much about me and she’s my fucking supervisor. It just kind of blows.

Highly frustrating. Power trips gross me out, and they make me view you as a totally different person.

I see you now. Not cute.

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Closed& Opening

I closed at work tonight. which was highly annoying to be honest. Yet mentally manageable at least.

Meanwhile the dude who was supposed to close with me, left with like 40 people still in the building…so left me with a broken mic, stuck at the front desk unable to leave and tell people we are closed. In a fucking massive gym. This isn’t Boston Sports Club bud. Get the next bus…

It was lame.

I have to open now though too.

So I took an adderall to keep me going.

(I’ve always had a soft spot for them)

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It will set you free

That’s one thing I’m actually good at. I’m not good at many things.

I’m a music junkie. I have been my entire life.

It sounds so cliché and annoying. It pisses me off even to say it, but music did save my life and continues to everyday, probably.

I’ll always remember myself in middle school. Those were terrible years of my life…it kinda set my youth up for failure. Derp.

I didn’t really trust many people at that point in my life. Probably two. My best friend at the time, and my ex-boyfriend.

I started to form insomnia and really bad anxiety, and I would stay up really late at night on my computer. I would sit on the computer for hours and hours exploring random music and finding new stuff to fulfill me.

I would make old-school mix CDs

(I kinda feel bad for the kids these days who can’t experience that)

All the music my friends, siblings/cousins listened to, was introduced by me. I don’t know why people make that sound like a snobby thing though….It’s one of the only things I’m good at, can’t we just like consider it a sport?

The real point is though, it spoke to me. Always has. In ways humans couldn’t at that point especially. When I need it it’s always there. It

made me feel… understood. It was like a friend.

(it does run in my genetics. But the way I love music is unexplainable. I couldn’t get to the point of it. I’ve been a walking jukebox my whole life)

Everyone listen to music. It makes the world go round. And maybe it could save your life if you give it a chance

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Just the thought

For days now I keep meaning to go through and cleanup the photos on my phone.

There’s just so much unnecessary stuff taking up space.

The problem is, theres so much that I only start doing it…then realize how long it’s gonna take. I become overwhelmed so damn fast and give up.

My eyes will be cross- eyed for days. Plus I SWEAR I’ve deleted half these pictures already before…