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I’m proud of myself

I think more than I ever have been.

I mean, my whole life has been a rollercoaster, but the last few years were very trying for me.

The way I went from rock bottom, being hurt, trying to hurt myself, literally zero control of my emotions, having to move…the list of the shit show I call 2020, could go on and on…

I am now doing things and getting recognition for things I never thought I would even be capable of. For a lot of people it wouldn’t mean that much, I’m assuming…but knowing how many times I could have given up, like I had already done so many times in my past. The second shit gets too hard for me to manage.

There is no quit in me anymore. I think the mental torment I endured almost thickened my skin. I have nothing to lose, If I believe in myself I can achieve even more than what I have which is scary but exiting.

Being acknowledged for hard work, especially when you question your own capabilities more than anyone else around you…feels fucking awesome.

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Boys & Girls

Tonight was funny. Since I work at the front desk full-time, I came in at 2 PM and my supervisor is the only one with me until 6 PM, then my favorite coworker comes in. So I felt like I was just staring at the clock for hours. Even when he came in, I just could not wait for her to leave.

I always have way more fun when the supervisors leave the building, except the general manager, I have the hots for him.

My favorite coworker is so good at sarcasm and a straight face…plus the damn mask. I’m pathetically gullible.

One day I was bitching about someone micro managing me over my damn shoulder when I didn’t need help.

A few hours later he comes over and starts doing that…so after I finished with the person I looked over at him all pissy. He started smiling and then I understood. He’s a crafty one

Then today, I texted him before he came in just to warn him about Misses know it all. Just saying that I couldn’t wait for him to get in, because I was kind of losing my mind with her. Starting to get wicked annoyed.

Finally she left so I started pulling the same shit, I was mimicking her actions on the computer so perfectly.

“Yeah, yeah…so your gonna wanna ummmm yeah, click this..then ummm”

OH MY.

It’s too comical

It always ends usually with a good night. Plus, my coworker that was injured came in and he was talking to us about dating apps, and the struggle. Which I know all about. So I gave up on them obviously and I’m kicked off about all of them. He wants to get rid of his too.

He’s really handsome. Like when I say handsome, almost drop dead gorgeous beautiful. But he was talking about how bad he is with getting girls, or understanding if they like him. He said he never really noticed when a girl liked him, and he would find out way later. Wondering why they didn’t go up to him, I told him it’s the same reason he didn’t go up to anyone and do that. If you don’t try you’ll never know. I’m such a goober when it comes to dating advice. I mean, honestly though, he’s so fucking good looking that he has the right to be picky if he wanted.

Such a sweet kid though. Before we reopened, it used to be me him, and the other guy that was upfront with me tonight so it was almost like Larry, Moe and Curly reunited.

This fucker that works in facilities who has been pissing me off so much lately, always comes up and changes the music….When I literally created a playlist and personally put in music that I knew he liked into the playlist. Then he turns on a radio station with half the music that’s already in my fucking playlist which is on the speakers currently.

I already had told them both on different days that I couldn’t stand when he does that. So when he was doing it I had a bitchy face on, and my other two doods were staring at me with smiles on their face because they knew I was not feeling it. Then he leaves, and we decide to put on like the Jonas brothers. For a reason that I’m not gonna get into. Ironic purposes

He sent the front desk a message on our little slack/messaging system with a sad face emoji with headphone emoji next to it.

When people do that, we can reply with emoji’s or like lil gifs. So we didn’t know which one to do, I deep down was wanting to do the middle finger, but instead we just did this little bird gif that’s dancing.

My life be like oOoOOoOooOoh aaaAaaah

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I guess my life kind of revolves around work at this point.

I truly don’t mind it though. I really like to work. I always have.

I’m like my mother, she would never want to be a stay at home mom. And I don’t think I ever would either. Although I used to think it seemed nice, I’ve seen many. My mom always worked full-time. Her sisters worked part time jobs. I think it’s good to have at least something to do besides making your family and your home life everything. Then you have no other life outside that. I grew up in a really rich town, I’ve dated guys who had money and stay at home moms. What do you think dad’s out doing?

I’m not trying to be harsh, but it’s a reality I’ve seen so many times. Having a family and children will fulfill me in a lot of ways. I deep down know, I would need an outside activity or obligation, ways to socialize and continue to live a normal life.

Stay at home moms have way too much time on their hands. Those are the Karen’s of the world, and they are the ones that will talk shit about middle schoolers with their daughters.

No…Not try to give them advice, maybe call them homely?

I’ve seen some pretty insane stuff.

The only time my mom ever got involved with teenage girls was when my best friend was jumped freshman year of high school. We had to carry her to my moms car.

My mom knew the girls that were around there, for once I didn’t care that she was going to do something that could be embarrassing. She went out there, asked them if their mothers knew that they were out here acting like animals?

It was a bad bitch move. Moral of the story. I’m turning into my mother. I don’t mind it either

We won’t tolerate bullshit, we will tell you the truth. But we also we will love you more than anyone you know, we will take care of you, we can have empathy for anyone.

My mother is my favorite person.

She is everything I want to be. And it makes me feel really good to know that that’s how I think now.

I’m so thankful that I had her. I’m going to make sure she knows that. I remember a time I wanted to be nothing like her. I was a delusional, know it all, angry young kid.

Tragically shitty quality picture. Oh well though

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Closed& Opening

I closed at work tonight. which was highly annoying to be honest. Yet mentally manageable at least.

Meanwhile the dude who was supposed to close with me, left with like 40 people still in the building…so left me with a broken mic, stuck at the front desk unable to leave and tell people we are closed. In a fucking massive gym. This isn’t Boston Sports Club bud. Get the next bus…

It was lame.

I have to open now though too.

So I took an adderall to keep me going.

(I’ve always had a soft spot for them)

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Just the thought

For days now I keep meaning to go through and cleanup the photos on my phone.

There’s just so much unnecessary stuff taking up space.

The problem is, theres so much that I only start doing it…then realize how long it’s gonna take. I become overwhelmed so damn fast and give up.

My eyes will be cross- eyed for days. Plus I SWEAR I’ve deleted half these pictures already before…

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It’s pretty wild

How fast I go from caring WAYY too much.. to honestly not really caring at all.

I’ve always weirdly been that way. It’s how I used to trick psychiatrists and therapists I was a changed kid.

*See guys, look how long it took me to realize I have to act like a saint for just a month after acting like a little lunatic for 8 months*

But now I’m realizing it’s always kinda pertained to a lot of other random situations in my life. The way my personality is I suppose.

I’m all in. until I’m all out.

There’s no middle with me. The middle is confusing. Usually messy also. I don’t care for it.