collage · Diagnosis · home sweet hell · journal · love · memories · mental health · mental illness · mood · records · Stoner · Teenager · thoughts · Uncategorized · writing

I’m far from perfect. Very far.

He started a game. He did. I played.

When I play, I play. I can’t be that quiet, meek girl. She does not exist anymore. She only did for a short while. A long time ago, I don’t miss her. I feel bad for her. As an adult, sometimes I envy her though. It was being strong, broken and hiding it.

There was no in between. Not many people can remember the day…that it changed. The day they found their voice. I can. Like the back of my hand. Because it happened like a flip of a switch.

It’s not a powerful, happy story. It’s a girl, afraid to eat in the cafeteria at about 85 pounds, bullied by mean girls, a learning disability, crippling anxiety, trust issues, depression, constant fear of judgement, hating who I saw looking back at me in the mirror. I was broken when I found my voice. I was angry, and fed up.

As much as I would like to say the anger will at sometime subside. Finding your voice when your a kid, at your lowest of lows, so confused and scared of life, her thoughts and herself. I honestly thought that part had gone.

When I found my voice. It’s been used the same way, for all these years. To protect myself, to protect the people I love, to defend people that don’t show me they have the voice to do it themselves. Something I wish I had at one point.

But my protection doesn’t always help. me. or others. I don’t ever go into a situation with bad intentions, but if something arrises, you will hear me.

I regret a lot of the “defending” I did. I think it was something those people needed to do, and learn on their own. In their own way, just as I had.

I was in love, you hurt me. more than once, more than I could count. You exited me though, more than I think anyone has? I know I was hurting when I met you, but I don’t think that’s why we ended up together. Or why I put up with what I did. I fell in love.

You can’t throw away years of your life trying to help someone else though. That just makes you more angry. I spent so many years of my life, angry. Mostly by watching this shit show, we call humanity.

After tonight, I don’t want to do these things anymore.

I played his game, only wanting him. Brought others along for what I thought was just something they were fine entertaining. They said they were fine with it. So do a lot of people….(as clearly stated above) When I was busy wrapped up in something I wanted, I’m not focusing on the pieces I’m using in the game. They are there when I call or text. I didn’t question why. It was selfish.

I failed to pay attention to what I used to stay very aware of…how others felt about me. As I got older I realized guys were attracted to me for my mouth, the shock factor, the honesty and interest in truly knowing someone. The things I used to be hated for. Thats when both worlds kind of collided.

Three guys. I fucking dragged along, and granted, they shouldn’t have stuck around (as I shouldn’t have for my ex) but now they are attached to me. Fell for me. I was so wrapped up in myself, and the person I loved. Being angry with him. Trying to fill a void that can’t be filled with just anyone.

I need to heal. I let these people close to me, but when they get to close. I break their hearts, and not gently. I break my own also, and disappoint myself. My voice starts getting used for the reasons I resent it. Pushing people away, keeping them from getting too close. Saying nasty things so they will never want anything to do with me again.

It’s such a sick and twisted way of thinking. Things that once felt good, don’t anymore. Because I’m not an angry kid anymore. Being angry then, felt fine. Felt reasonable, at least. I’ve grown since then and by being mean to someone who has tried to be there for me, just so I scare them away….isn’t worth it on either end. I need to shut up, and be strong. and silent. I did it then, I should be able to do it every once and a while now…I’d friggen hope so.

It’s been a rough year. But I’m finding a lot out about myself and things I truly need to work on. Things that have been living inside me for a long time. Demons I thought I had got rid of. Although, they probably can’t ever be fully gone, I can learn to manage it better. I don’t need to hurt myself or anyone else anymore.

I wish I hadn’t said those terrible things to someone who I feel did genuinely want to show me love. I got scared. Because I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same, and I can’t use someone to replace something thats not replaceable.