Scrapbook of my life. Mental health warrior.

Alexandra Moran. Made in Boston. Believe in the unimaginable

Breaking Through The Silence — March 8, 2021
I got 99 problems —
Its not news —

Its not news

That if you want to be friends with me then I will tell you the truth. I’m not wearing kid gloves for grown adults. If you want fake friends, have them. You’ve had many before.

They’re temporary for a reason.

Hoarders House —
your reading your chapter books.. —
VYBES — March 4, 2021
Can’t wait until May —
My job radiates good vibes in every corner. —
You need me, I don’t need you. —
Light Me Up 🕯 — February 24, 2021
Take Care of Yourself —
Day Job —
Until tomorrow.. —
𝚁𝚎𝚟𝚘𝚕𝚞𝚌𝚒ó𝚗 𝙲𝚑𝚒𝚌𝚑𝚊: 𝚂𝚝𝚛𝚎𝚎𝚝 𝙰𝚛𝚝 & 𝙶𝚛𝚊𝚙𝚑𝚒𝚌𝚜 𝙾𝚏 𝙿𝚎𝚛ú —
I will never be caged — February 19, 2021
I’m not playing games —
Mr. Skeleton making sure we don’t let the pipes freeze — February 18, 2021
Get on bitch, we’re going climbing —
I know I can’t make up my mind —
Don’t panic, it’s organic —
..are we outta the woods yet… —
Mount Washington Wandering —
Happy colors —
A little light, a lotta dark — February 15, 2021
ColorBlocks —
Flowers& Boots —
•Break• —
Psh. For real kid? — February 13, 2021

Psh. For real kid?

How have you not caught the memo yet?

I’m not here for little twits anymore. You can get in the back of the line, with that attitude. The more you think your playing “hard to get” and I’m gonna chase you…the more miserable your gonna make YOURSELF. I didn’t spend a month spamming your phone.

When you don’t get what you want…you don’t get to sass me. I won’t reply. You can say “Later” 20 times a day..it’s expired now. I know, with you, that means the opposite of the correct use for the term.

I did my time being treated like total crap. Spent years with a total selfish, ass monger.

Now…if you wanna shower me with compliments and talk to me sweetly. Than maybe you’ll get somewhere.

It’s like training a puppy apparently

UGH — February 9, 2021
– No Boys Allowed – — February 8, 2021
IPA can collector. —

IPA can collector.

Actually, its the main reason I’d ever spend 10-20 bucks on a four pack.

I recycle them myself.

(I do prefer IPA though, my man friend keeps bringing over Budweiser and it really does not taste good. It’s pussy beer)

My dad’s been drinking IPA’s most of my life. So when I lived with them…we always had Harpoons in the fridge. Became my favorite as well…and there is almost, nothing as fun as a Harpoon event.

Bummer though, because my other job works them. So I literally could have been paid to be somewhere, that I pay 2-3 times a year to get inside.

Covid…please..please. stop making life a living hell please. and mutating…all that weird annoying crap. Goodness gracious. I’m highly cautious but its really tiring.

Tasty…sure is right. —
Years and Years — February 7, 2021

Years and Years

When you spend more than half of your life, trying to find yourself and to save yourself. In and out of all different foreign places to you…hospitals, outpatient units, residential schools, step programs, whatever the fuck you would like to call them. You receive a journal at every single place you go to. You write it all down. I have been writing since I was 13. When all of the mess began. When I got older and I realized I had documented mostly everything I had already went through. That all I needed to do was continue doing what I already enjoy doing, writing. I could change lives, I could maybe stop someone from feeling the way I did at such a young age. I wanted to use my life, my lessons and my pain to help others. Maybe I’m not the most literate human in the world, I don’t think thats the main point though. I am, enough. Literature is something I can learn pretty damn easily. These life lessons, not so much.

I recently got a laptop, specifically for my writing and my photography. I never realized how hard it would be to read the things I had once wrote, and felt. Nevermind, type them out again, edit them and kind of warp myself back into that headspace.

It’s gonna be rough I think. I want to accomplish a dream though. Otherwise I may have well just left this joint, the few times I tried.

I’m far from perfect. Very far. —

I’m far from perfect. Very far.

He started a game. He did. I played.

When I play, I play. I can’t be that quiet, meek girl. She does not exist anymore. She only did for a short while. A long time ago, I don’t miss her. I feel bad for her. As an adult, sometimes I envy her though. It was being strong, broken and hiding it.

There was no in between. Not many people can remember the day…that it changed. The day they found their voice. I can. Like the back of my hand. Because it happened like a flip of a switch.

It’s not a powerful, happy story. It’s a girl, afraid to eat in the cafeteria at about 85 pounds, bullied by mean girls, a learning disability, crippling anxiety, trust issues, depression, constant fear of judgement, hating who I saw looking back at me in the mirror. I was broken when I found my voice. I was angry, and fed up.

As much as I would like to say the anger will at sometime subside. Finding your voice when your a kid, at your lowest of lows, so confused and scared of life, her thoughts and herself. I honestly thought that part had gone.

When I found my voice. It’s been used the same way, for all these years. To protect myself, to protect the people I love, to defend people that don’t show me they have the voice to do it themselves. Something I wish I had at one point.

But my protection doesn’t always help. me. or others. I don’t ever go into a situation with bad intentions, but if something arrises, you will hear me.

I regret a lot of the “defending” I did. I think it was something those people needed to do, and learn on their own. In their own way, just as I had.

I was in love, you hurt me. more than once, more than I could count. You exited me though, more than I think anyone has? I know I was hurting when I met you, but I don’t think that’s why we ended up together. Or why I put up with what I did. I fell in love.

You can’t throw away years of your life trying to help someone else though. That just makes you more angry. I spent so many years of my life, angry. Mostly by watching this shit show, we call humanity.

After tonight, I don’t want to do these things anymore.

I played his game, only wanting him. Brought others along for what I thought was just something they were fine entertaining. They said they were fine with it. So do a lot of people….(as clearly stated above) When I was busy wrapped up in something I wanted, I’m not focusing on the pieces I’m using in the game. They are there when I call or text. I didn’t question why. It was selfish.

I failed to pay attention to what I used to stay very aware of…how others felt about me. As I got older I realized guys were attracted to me for my mouth, the shock factor, the honesty and interest in truly knowing someone. The things I used to be hated for. Thats when both worlds kind of collided.

Three guys. I fucking dragged along, and granted, they shouldn’t have stuck around (as I shouldn’t have for my ex) but now they are attached to me. Fell for me. I was so wrapped up in myself, and the person I loved. Being angry with him. Trying to fill a void that can’t be filled with just anyone.

I need to heal. I let these people close to me, but when they get to close. I break their hearts, and not gently. I break my own also, and disappoint myself. My voice starts getting used for the reasons I resent it. Pushing people away, keeping them from getting too close. Saying nasty things so they will never want anything to do with me again.

It’s such a sick and twisted way of thinking. Things that once felt good, don’t anymore. Because I’m not an angry kid anymore. Being angry then, felt fine. Felt reasonable, at least. I’ve grown since then and by being mean to someone who has tried to be there for me, just so I scare them away….isn’t worth it on either end. I need to shut up, and be strong. and silent. I did it then, I should be able to do it every once and a while now…I’d friggen hope so.

It’s been a rough year. But I’m finding a lot out about myself and things I truly need to work on. Things that have been living inside me for a long time. Demons I thought I had got rid of. Although, they probably can’t ever be fully gone, I can learn to manage it better. I don’t need to hurt myself or anyone else anymore.

I wish I hadn’t said those terrible things to someone who I feel did genuinely want to show me love. I got scared. Because I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same, and I can’t use someone to replace something thats not replaceable.

Donut Worry, Be Happy — February 6, 2021
“I don’t wanna hear about your fucking love life lmao” — February 2, 2021

“I don’t wanna hear about your fucking love life lmao”

good, because I don’t want to tell you about it either. your a twit. as far as my “love life” is concerned, it consists of two twinks falling in love with me by accident. (kinda like you did) who I think are my “friends”

I mean is it normal to be “in love” or have a “love life” like 4/5 months after a longterm relationship ends? a nightmare of one, at that?

I don’t think so. hope not. sounds kinda sociopathic but thats just my personal opinion

“This is why I tried to keep you at a distance”

….this is why I tried to keep you at a distance before I met you, yet you hit me up daily or more. until I finally chilled with you. after that, I still tried to keep my distance. you still texted me every damn day. I would break up with you, and you’d show up at my place. everything I’ve done and more.

The ego is out of control. don’t say “I wanna be friends” then use your oh, so, very wonderful acting skills to pretend you care when it makes you look good to others. Oh, man.

Couldn’t fool me if you tried. Just when I think you could be a “friend” like you say you wanted, you get butthurt and think I want to be latched to your leg. no. this isn’t you in 2019.

I can’t wait. — January 27, 2021
DubDate —
I guess my mind is exercised now —
I’ve been known to buy IPA’s just to reuse the cute cans.. —
What matters most is how well you walk through the fire —
Why would I want to be here, If I could be there? —
Oh, She Fancy —
How in the fuck, did I get from there to here? —
Reminders —

Reminders

A lot of my favorite photos seem to remind me of my ex so much. Which in turn, makes me write about him a lot. I can’t tell if its therapeutic or unhealthy.

It is indeed, though…. better than venting and crying on the shoulder of someone who’s in love with you.

I love pastels, with every fiber of my being —

I love pastels, with every fiber of my being

I used to tell my ex that I wanted to work for the Boston parks and rec department so I can decorate the city for easter. Mind you, just Easter.

You won’t see me over here trying to decorate for Christmas. I think they already do a killer job every year.

Oh, but how I would love to drench the city in everything pastel.

She’s a dreamer though. meep.

It’s gonna be just fine. —

It’s gonna be just fine.

I think before I kinda used this whole thing wrong. Because I live alone, mostly because I only can stand like a total of 5 people for more than 10 hours or so. I never lived alone before this. I went from an ex’s apartment, to having lunatic roommates, moving in with another boyfriend, getting a place with him. now. I is alone.

I don’t mind it. I have my bunny. I have enough friends (and a man friend kinda thing?) I have an imagination and am easily entertained.

Even during my youth. I grew up in and out of psych wards, programs, a residential school. My ex suggested I move in with roommates. Honestly, it may be best for him…but truly. It’s been my whole life. I used to hide in the bathroom. I still do. Even at my place. When I get stressed, or someones making me overwhelmed and I need some space. I sit in the bathroom like a damn weirdo.

BUT I wouldn’t have that habit, if most of my life it wasn’t the ONE place that I could be totally alone.

I will always remember the night I was in the shower and my roommate got restrained outside the bathroom door and I managed to salvage an extra 30/45 minutes in the bathroom cause she was deff a feisty lil one.

My original point is, this is an outlet. I can actually use it to exercise my mind. Instead of trying to get through a Jeffrey Dahmer Documentary. I can never seem to handle him. I love crime documentaries, and I was on a roll. I give it a go every once and while. Yeah, no though.

Stay gold, Ponyboy 📚 —

Stay gold, Ponyboy 📚

The Outsiders.

One of the rare classics that made an amazing book/story into an also amazing film. Basically a teenage girls wet dream.

(I didn’t think girls could have “wet dreams” so I googled it. apparently we can have orgasms while having a dream, although we don’t “ejaculate”)

Found that to be a fun fact, and the word ejaculate makes me laugh but also uncomfortable at the same time.

Creature of Newbury St. —
Gotta love — March 6, 2021

Gotta love

When two sad sacks, commiserate together.

Lmao, my childhood friend literally is like the plague and I should have kept her out of my life..like I had it before.

She’s a year older than me yet so childish. When I get sick of her shit…all of a sudden “I’m crazy” and “poor her”

yeah..go hang out with my sister whos literally talked more shit about you than anyone I know.

I’ll be working. having a legit life, kids.

You both live in my shadow and always have.

Yes I said that (finally)

Sorry not sorry. make your own friends, try to comprehend what its like to have a sibling, and stop thinking your innocent. Your just boring. Theres a difference