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If I’m running off zero hours of sleep, but doing my job with a smile still on my face.

I suggest you stop poking the bear.

Its all fun and games until I become my dad ..the day before “fathers day”

would you like to see a ticking time bomb explode? GOOD.

Don’t call out two days, leave us short staffed, come in the next acting totally fine (just like the night before you called out and were bossing me around also)

I don’t know when your head got so massive but don’t try and “correct” things I do every night.

Then you come in, are standing around, per usual on your fucking phone behind the desk, dicking around and shooting the shit then try and tell me, while pointing at me and to the people that “I go do the belay check” look…its about time for me to go on break and Im the only one sitting at the front desk, who looks ready to check someone in.

I can go from sweet to scary pretty quick I guess, because they look like they just shat themselves when I said “look your starting to piss me off with the bossing me around, I have no problem doing a belay check, but I don’t like you standing around, sitting on tiktok and dating apps..then trying to boss me around”

*gtfo*

Good thing my supervisor had my back. and then they say “they do all the belay checks”

Well thats not true whatsoever, because when I picked up the paper to put the checks into the computer system my name seemed to be the most trending. That excuse has expired now asshole.

&You bet your ass I’ll remind you if you have to

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You can’t have three names

Look, my name is Alexandra and I’ve gone by “Allie” all 28 years on this earth.

Tomorrow I’m not gonna start saying “call me Alex” “Lexi”

So bruh..

You can’t be named Anthony, call yourself “Tony” and then when you want to confuse me into talking to you go by “AJ”

your Tony the gym teacher. and you always say “a teacher” which would normally be kinky af.

but if you’re teaching 6 year olds the cha cha slide and live in “eastie” (🤦🏻‍♀️)

…no…just no…

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I can’t

Fuck with a Capricorn, because their ego’s drive me insane and it turns life into a mental battlefield. or a Scorpio because they suck at communication and I don’t want to be pulling your emotions out of you constantly to solve something.

Gooooood lawd

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Listen.

I live in Boston. but i’m FROM Boston. There’s a difference.

You’re not gonna catch me with Ombre hair, doing homework, listening to Lil peep or trying to make athleisure a thing.

I’m an acquired taste. Love me or hate me. There’s still only one of me.

aesthetic · city · home sweet hell · interior · mental health · mental illness · mood · Self Care · thoughts · Uncategorized

I took off four days to pack my apartment.

Yet of course I failed to take off the first of the month…AKA my move in date.

So second time in a year my mother and co. (😂) will be moving me in before I even see my new place.

Also, I kind of wish I was working at least one day…but my co worker (supervisor) basically told me not to pick up shifts. Because I’m kind of one of the few people who comes in to pick up shifts and help out whenever needed….

She basically wants to send a message that we need more people up front and my manager needs to pay attention to the schedule so we have people to work. Not one or two people trying to do 8 million things at once and closing every shift.

I get her point for sure, and she doesn’t want me to be taken advantage of. Like have them get so comfortable with me always doing it, that when I can’t, I’m made to feel bad.

She’s one of the sweetest people I’ve known.

Although the thing about people who are still getting to know me don’t fully realize..is that I only do what I feel like doing on my down time. I’d work for money. Not to JUST to help them out. I help out, depending on who Im helping. Not just for everyone. Im not gonna pick up a shift to help and work with a coworker who’s annoying. I would pick one up for a friend, or pick up a shift to work with and help someone out that I enjoy being around and also have nothing better to do…

I work for money. and to feel good. not to consistently please everyone.

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Fight Club.

Oof, I think I lent my ex my copy of Fight Club (that my friend Britney actually lent me years ago…oops)

But I low key really just want the book back if I did. It sucks cause I don’t wanna communicate with him.

Hoping bartering a Sublime poster (he was obsessed with) to a 31 year old man for a book will go over as planned.

I told him it didn’t go with my new, more mature, interior design visions. 😂

Him and his “Your Truly” BS

haha aw, man. YOU can Truly kiss my ass buddy.

(but only in your dreams)

Adventure · aesthetic · city · mental health · mental illness · mood · poetry · read · Self Care · Street · Uncategorized

Do I think it will last forever?

When I have the time to think about it enough…no. I don’t.

I think it’s a cycle that’s infinite for you.

And do I REALLY even care? Like I thought I did…or was supposed to?

At this point. Fuck. No.

The things you’ve done are almost completely unforgivable, and thats something thats taken a lot of time to grasp and took a lot of “thinking about” to accept.

I made a mistake, that I would never make again. &at the end of the day. I don’t care if you rise or fall. In fact, I kind of expect you to fall.

Who knows, maybe you’ll finally prove someone wrong about how rotten you are.

Yet, somehow I find that very hard to believe. Just digging younger and weaker as you get older and creepier.

Adventure · landscape · mental health · mental illness · nature · Photography · plants · Urban Exploration

Automated Allie

Sometimes at work I hear myself speak, and I get annoyed with myself. It’s like a script in my head.

It’s always “You’re all set. have fun!” or “of course” (“of course, have fun!” is the remixed version I guess) and every time I do a closing announcement I say “Thank you!” which is 4 times in one hour…

ahh man. such a sweet voice and a total mess.

Adventure · aesthetic · journal · landscape · mental health · mental illness · mood · Photography · Self Care · thoughts · Uncategorized · Urban Exploration · writing

I’m proud of myself

I think more than I ever have been.

I mean, my whole life has been a rollercoaster, but the last few years were very trying for me.

The way I went from rock bottom, being hurt, trying to hurt myself, literally zero control of my emotions, having to move…the list of the shit show I call 2020, could go on and on…

I am now doing things and getting recognition for things I never thought I would even be capable of. For a lot of people it wouldn’t mean that much, I’m assuming…but knowing how many times I could have given up, like I had already done so many times in my past. The second shit gets too hard for me to manage.

There is no quit in me anymore. I think the mental torment I endured almost thickened my skin. I have nothing to lose, If I believe in myself I can achieve even more than what I have which is scary but exiting.

Being acknowledged for hard work, especially when you question your own capabilities more than anyone else around you…feels fucking awesome.

aesthetic · Design · journal · mental health · mental illness · mood · pattern · read · Self Care · thoughts · writing

Don’t wait until I can’t hear you

Although my meeting with my manager yesterday was like a long overdo therapy session that consisted of me carrying a mini moleskin full of my thoughts and concerns. (I also had the journal because I was afraid of the full moon and how it was going to effect the whole shindig)

I think I went a little too hard. Maybe.

But don’t run your mouth about me when I walk away then smile and play nice to my face. ..with me..your best bet is to say it to my face and lets sort it out..

I feel like yeah, some (most) people say that …and actually are too sensitive to hear it directly. I try to make it clear thats not me. I’m sorry if you didn’t catch the obnoxious hint, that is my presence, by now.

So when I hear someone is being fake to me, i’m not a total fan of it. It doesn’t necessarily make me feel bad about myself, it just makes me annoyed..and thats basically it.

Theres only so much shade and shit talk you can toss around before it gets back to that person, when that happens. You can’t expect the person who was being nice to your face and behind your back to HAVE your back.

no.nope.nothanks.

that ship has since sailed.

killing three birds with one moleskin mofo’s

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Whats happening

Usually when I go through a breakup I like to get a lil…risky.. I guess.. lol

Lately, i’m literally CHILLIN’

I think my ex like tainted me. He was the result of a breakup fling. He was also a 3 year nightmare.

It’s like i’m very okay with living in the Sahara for now.

I have almost no interest in guys, and guys that I used to see now and again still text me and I always just wish they would go away.

..If I don’t text you back . TRUST. for me, especially…thats a big…*please fuck off now*

I go on these dating apps but get bored so fast.

SooOoooOo Whatever.

Self care dood.

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My coworker literally just made me want to walk into work

STONED in the name of 4/20 with dagger eyes pointing at him.

I don’t know who this lil shit thinks he is to wake me up to a slack talking to me and my coworker like trash.

I’m a 28 year old grown adult (who finds mornings very important to my mental health) and my other co worker, your speaking like that to, is a 30 something year old man with more shit on his shoulders than anyone I know during Covid.

So this isn’t elementary school, don’t threaten to snitch to our manager about something that has never been a problem until you started this power trip. You have the same job title as us. You whine more than anyone I’ve worked with and I literally worked at TJ Maxx with washed up old women who hated their lives. I don’t like saying it like that. (..but it really did get scary at 3 years, becoming those women fucking terrified me)

The amount of power trips at once is beyond what my xanax prescription covers currently.

city · mental illness · mood · thoughts · Uncategorized · writing

I don’t want to be vaccinated

Usually it would be because I hate needles.

But I just don’t want something injected into me without seeing reactions or side effects that could happen.

I’ve been medicated more than half my life. Side effects don’t always happen the second the medication is in your body, having its way with you.

I just don’t understand why everyone acts like its voting. Like post it all over social media and tell everyone you know that “you’re vaccinated”

(and yes, at work…I still need to take your temp. even after you announce your vaccination)

Listen, when I can take this fucking mask off, and dodge temp checks. Sure, then shoot me up with that shit I guess..but until then. No. Chill.

aesthetic · Bike · city · lights · Photography · Street

Last night I felt rushed leaving work

So, I by accident dropped my vape pen. I noticed almost the second I walked outside… but my co worker had already hauled ass to his car.

I didn’t have my keys..so I had to walk home, get on the bike I hadn’t got on in a year

(flat tire and so rusty from the rain)

Bike back to my work (luckily I live like an inch away) go get it, and thank god…because it was just sitting on the damn front desk.

My work is so creepy at night. and I really just wanted to go home and relax after walking home.

But the fresh air and bike ride was actually pretty nice. Flat tire and everything

Can’t stop this bitch on a mission

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The art of insulting me just isn’t that simple.

I’m incredibly talented at pointing out my flaws, and harsh realities out loud. I’m fucking hella aware, too aware. It’s the reason I’m also an emotional, mentally unstable wreck half the time.

Anything you say about or to me, I already know, and am fully aware of. Although its also rare a keyboard warrior would say the same things to my face as they would through texts.

I’m human, and thats the first step to being aware of anything…I would assume at least?

Therefor…i’m loaded with flaws.

You get to choose what kind of people you want in your life, and I will never put on a show or pretend to be someone I am not. Whatever I can say through texts, i’m also capable of saying straight to your face.

I only claimed to be Self- aware.

Never said I wasn’t self- destructive or lacked self- control.

THAT I will own, I wear my flaws like caution tape. Or at least the ones I will speak to almost anyone about.

There’s obviously things I don’t want anyone to know about me, and some things would take you some DAMN hard work to get come out of my mouth. Then some are just for me.

My biggest insecurities are mine. They’re probably weird, that people wouldn’t guess, or they are the most basic…ever.

Adventure · aesthetic · city · collage · graffiti · landscape · mural · pattern · Photography · Street · Uncategorized · Urban Exploration

Boys & Girls

Tonight was funny. Since I work at the front desk full-time, I came in at 2 PM and my supervisor is the only one with me until 6 PM, then my favorite coworker comes in. So I felt like I was just staring at the clock for hours. Even when he came in, I just could not wait for her to leave.

I always have way more fun when the supervisors leave the building, except the general manager, I have the hots for him.

My favorite coworker is so good at sarcasm and a straight face…plus the damn mask. I’m pathetically gullible.

One day I was bitching about someone micro managing me over my damn shoulder when I didn’t need help.

A few hours later he comes over and starts doing that…so after I finished with the person I looked over at him all pissy. He started smiling and then I understood. He’s a crafty one

Then today, I texted him before he came in just to warn him about Misses know it all. Just saying that I couldn’t wait for him to get in, because I was kind of losing my mind with her. Starting to get wicked annoyed.

Finally she left so I started pulling the same shit, I was mimicking her actions on the computer so perfectly.

“Yeah, yeah…so your gonna wanna ummmm yeah, click this..then ummm”

OH MY.

It’s too comical

It always ends usually with a good night. Plus, my coworker that was injured came in and he was talking to us about dating apps, and the struggle. Which I know all about. So I gave up on them obviously and I’m kicked off about all of them. He wants to get rid of his too.

He’s really handsome. Like when I say handsome, almost drop dead gorgeous beautiful. But he was talking about how bad he is with getting girls, or understanding if they like him. He said he never really noticed when a girl liked him, and he would find out way later. Wondering why they didn’t go up to him, I told him it’s the same reason he didn’t go up to anyone and do that. If you don’t try you’ll never know. I’m such a goober when it comes to dating advice. I mean, honestly though, he’s so fucking good looking that he has the right to be picky if he wanted.

Such a sweet kid though. Before we reopened, it used to be me him, and the other guy that was upfront with me tonight so it was almost like Larry, Moe and Curly reunited.

This fucker that works in facilities who has been pissing me off so much lately, always comes up and changes the music….When I literally created a playlist and personally put in music that I knew he liked into the playlist. Then he turns on a radio station with half the music that’s already in my fucking playlist which is on the speakers currently.

I already had told them both on different days that I couldn’t stand when he does that. So when he was doing it I had a bitchy face on, and my other two doods were staring at me with smiles on their face because they knew I was not feeling it. Then he leaves, and we decide to put on like the Jonas brothers. For a reason that I’m not gonna get into. Ironic purposes

He sent the front desk a message on our little slack/messaging system with a sad face emoji with headphone emoji next to it.

When people do that, we can reply with emoji’s or like lil gifs. So we didn’t know which one to do, I deep down was wanting to do the middle finger, but instead we just did this little bird gif that’s dancing.

My life be like oOoOOoOooOoh aaaAaaah

Adventure · aesthetic · art · Bike · city · Design · IPA · landscape · mural · pattern · Photography · thoughts

I guess my life kind of revolves around work at this point.

I truly don’t mind it though. I really like to work. I always have.

I’m like my mother, she would never want to be a stay at home mom. And I don’t think I ever would either. Although I used to think it seemed nice, I’ve seen many. My mom always worked full-time. Her sisters worked part time jobs. I think it’s good to have at least something to do besides making your family and your home life everything. Then you have no other life outside that. I grew up in a really rich town, I’ve dated guys who had money and stay at home moms. What do you think dad’s out doing?

I’m not trying to be harsh, but it’s a reality I’ve seen so many times. Having a family and children will fulfill me in a lot of ways. I deep down know, I would need an outside activity or obligation, ways to socialize and continue to live a normal life.

Stay at home moms have way too much time on their hands. Those are the Karen’s of the world, and they are the ones that will talk shit about middle schoolers with their daughters.

No…Not try to give them advice, maybe call them homely?

I’ve seen some pretty insane stuff.

The only time my mom ever got involved with teenage girls was when my best friend was jumped freshman year of high school. We had to carry her to my moms car.

My mom knew the girls that were around there, for once I didn’t care that she was going to do something that could be embarrassing. She went out there, asked them if their mothers knew that they were out here acting like animals?

It was a bad bitch move. Moral of the story. I’m turning into my mother. I don’t mind it either

We won’t tolerate bullshit, we will tell you the truth. But we also we will love you more than anyone you know, we will take care of you, we can have empathy for anyone.

My mother is my favorite person.

She is everything I want to be. And it makes me feel really good to know that that’s how I think now.

I’m so thankful that I had her. I’m going to make sure she knows that. I remember a time I wanted to be nothing like her. I was a delusional, know it all, angry young kid.

Tragically shitty quality picture. Oh well though

Adventure · aesthetic · art · Design · lights · love · mental health · mental illness · mood · Photography · Self Care · thoughts

“𝘚𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘥𝘢𝘺, 𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘢 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘣𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘧𝘭𝘺, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳”

All my OG supervisors at work got new jobs… and I’m used to hanging up front with the new supervisor, one of the only girls that works with me. We would talk about girl things a lot and reality TV. It was fun to have a girl to talk to and shoot the shit with, she used to love it also.

Now that she is a supervisor, she’s on some extreme power trip. Like looking over my shoulder showing me stuff that I already know. Blaming me for things that she told me I should do the night before. Denying that she ever said that. Sending slacks that make no sense, weekly beta that makes no sense.

Both of my old supervisors were totally different. There was one that everyone hated because he was so intense and uptight. Most guys, just say he was a douche bag. (quote from tonight) He was only nice to girls. So not bad with me..yet he was so intense either way that he still made me anxious.

My other supervisor, Brian, who hired me… was the sweetest dude. He used to go through things with me so gently, informatively, clearly, acknowledged my questions and things I said very nicely. It was never aggressive, or condescending.. it always felt very helpful. Very patient with me, definitely understanding, quiet most of the time. I just miss him a lot already.

None of this shit this girl is doing is clear. I tried to tell her that nicely. She’s determined that it is very clear though. (I know more than just me who would agree with that)

She’s actually committed to thinking it is. I was so fed up with her I finally got a little bit rude. I wish I never opened up to her because now it’s like she knows too much about me and she’s my fucking supervisor. It just kind of blows.

Highly frustrating. Power trips gross me out, and they make me view you as a totally different person.

I see you now. Not cute.

Adventure · aesthetic · landscape · memories · nature · ocean · Photography · Self Care · summer · sunset · thoughts · travel · Uncategorized · Urban Exploration

Closed& Opening

I closed at work tonight. which was highly annoying to be honest. Yet mentally manageable at least.

Meanwhile the dude who was supposed to close with me, left with like 40 people still in the building…so left me with a broken mic, stuck at the front desk unable to leave and tell people we are closed. In a fucking massive gym. This isn’t Boston Sports Club bud. Get the next bus…

It was lame.

I have to open now though too.

So I took an adderall to keep me going.

(I’ve always had a soft spot for them)

aesthetic · art · collage · Design · home sweet hell · interior · journal · memories · mental health · mental illness · mood · mural · Music · pattern · Self Care · Stoner · thoughts · writing

It will set you free

That’s one thing I’m actually good at. I’m not good at many things.

I’m a music junkie. I have been my entire life.

It sounds so cliché and annoying. It pisses me off even to say it, but music did save my life and continues to everyday, probably.

I’ll always remember myself in middle school. Those were terrible years of my life…it kinda set my youth up for failure. Derp.

I didn’t really trust many people at that point in my life. Probably two. My best friend at the time, and my ex-boyfriend.

I started to form insomnia and really bad anxiety, and I would stay up really late at night on my computer. I would sit on the computer for hours and hours exploring random music and finding new stuff to fulfill me.

I would make old-school mix CDs

(I kinda feel bad for the kids these days who can’t experience that)

All the music my friends, siblings/cousins listened to, was introduced by me. I don’t know why people make that sound like a snobby thing though….It’s one of the only things I’m good at, can’t we just like consider it a sport?

The real point is though, it spoke to me. Always has. In ways humans couldn’t at that point especially. When I need it it’s always there. It

made me feel… understood. It was like a friend.

(it does run in my genetics. But the way I love music is unexplainable. I couldn’t get to the point of it. I’ve been a walking jukebox my whole life)

Everyone listen to music. It makes the world go round. And maybe it could save your life if you give it a chance

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DJ AM

My ego got boosted immensely today.

I have this one coworker, who always comes up and tries to change the music. When I’m upfront, I take the music very very seriously. Plus it’s a blast. We like similar bands, and he also did say that he only really likes/trusts the music when I was up there.

Because he walked up& I told him not to change it… but I would put something he liked on.

It was the weirdest thing, I had about 10 guests/members mention how good the music was tonight. Someone asked the name of a song.

I’ve never seen that happen much before.

So I started to create my own playlist. And Meg gave me the nickname DJ AM, because I also have no middle name (“my first one was too long” LOL)

Therefor its a pretty literal and badass DJ name.